Iowa's new location

You might not be aware of it, but Iowa is no longer in the Midwest. No, this wide state bordered by the mighty Mississippi and Missouri Rivers has relocated to somewhere along the Arctic Circle. You may wish to correct your geography books and road atlases. I think we are now neighboring Greenland.

Don't ask me to explain how this happened, I'm not a geologist. Perhaps the shifting of the tectonic plates. I'm not entirely sure when it happened, either. I think it probably occurred between the two blizzards last month. All I know is that I now live on a layer of permafrost. Tundra.

What does it feel like, to be outside in above freezing temperatures? With windchills that aren't below zero? I may never feel my feet again. My arteries are clogging as I eat too much out of boredom, trapped inside to keep from crystalizing into a human popsicle.