Where do I begin?

Yes, here it is. Just another blog from another unremarkable person, joining the countless multitude already clogging the vast expanses of the internet. What makes this one any different? Nothing really, but it's mine, and so it is flavored by my perceptions of the world. I'm a 30 year old single woman living alone in rural Iowa and working (currently anyways) across the muddy Missouri River in Omaha, Nebraska. I'm another over-educated, underemployed scientist, and apparently an aspiring author as well.

When I was a kid, I always imagined that I'd grow up to be a reclusive author living in a huge house with my multitude of pets (especially horses, my biggest passion in life). I think I kind of had an image of the life I wanted from whatever that movie is with Tom Selleck as the author working on a novel. Or was that a TV show? My recollections of youth are all very hazy at best. Early senility I think. Anyways, he had a huge house with a pool and must have had a large amount of disposable income. I was one of the youngest of nine children and couldn't imagine what it must be like to be able to buy anything you wanted. Actually, I still can't.

I wrote lots of stories and poems back when I still had an imagination. My grade school teachers loved my writings. I remember one was about a purple fish. I had a poem about one of my favorite places to spend time when we lived in rural Tennessee that everyone seemed to love, too. I illustrated my narratives myself, usually with pencil drawings or in crayon. Somewhere along the way I lost that creative gene. Perhaps it was in the cold, hard reality of the constant daily grind, struggling to make ends meet, day after day, with no glimmer of hope that I might actually get there someday. Don't mind my pessimism, that's just the negativity of my mother creeping out. I'm sure I'll rant about her plenty, since she was a huge force in shaping me into the person I am today. I can't recall feeling much inspiration to continue writing after I graduated from my undergraduate university.

Some things to be aware of about me from the very beginning, I guess, to give fair warning to anyone who feels the urge to actually read any of my posts. I suffer from depression, although I'm taking medication (generic Wellbutrin) and occasionally seeing my therapist as an attempt to overcome this sometimes debilitating condition. I've had plenty of lows, but in general I think I'm better off than I was over a year ago when I started the treatment. I don't have the intense anger anymore or the constant state of fogginess in my mind. However, I'm far from "normal," whatever that is, and I think it's a battle I'll be fighting the rest of my life. I have a lot of bitterness, and I'm sure that will rear its ugly head, too. I attempt to stay positive, but I do have my moments. I'm also a very sensitive person and can be very emotional. I think that's part of why I'm such a loner. I feel way too much empathy for others, and I'm disappointed when they turn out to be not at all what I thought they were. I distance myself to keep from caring. I'm flawed, but who isn't?

So here is my blog. It will probably end up being a lot about my horses, since they keep me going and give me what happiness I can find in a bleak existence. You are welcome to read or to pass it by, your choice of course. Perhaps I can entertain you with a mixture of current and past events. Regardless, I am doing this for myself. Hopefully I will be able to recapture my lost imagination and once more view life in vivid color.

(Sunset in Palm Harbor, FL, Oct 08)