Uncertain future

I've mentioned previously that I might have to move in the near future. I have owned my house here in rural Iowa for four and a half years now. I love the isolation, the quiet of country life, and the lack of nosey neighbors... well, for the most part they don't bother me. My house is the only occupied house on my road.

There used to be another homestead about a mile down from me, but the old folks there packed up and moved to Oregon to be closer to one of their sons (I think that's why they moved, anyways). The only shred of evidence that a residence once occupied the spot is the address number posted by the former drive. All the trees, outbuildings, non-running and/or wrecked vehicles, the old farm house that used to be there, and the modular home these people were living in are now completely gone. The ground has been tilled up and returned to farmland.

Between where that house used to be and my own house is an old abandoned shack that at one time must have been an attractive farmhouse. Someone has been cleaning up the property, trimming the trees, baling the alfalfa growing around the plot, and boarding up the glass-less windows. I don't have a more recent picture showing the improvements, but I do have an older photo from March 2006 showing what the house looked like not long after I moved here.

Anyways, this post is supposed to explain why my future is so uncertain at this point. I have been employed by the same place for almost five years now (since April 2005). My position is paid by grant money. While my boss and I have worked diligently, submitting grant application after grant application to a variety of possible sources for funding, we have not succeeded in landing a sufficient source to support my continued employment. After March, I will no longer have a job. Without a reasonably salaried job, I will no longer be able to afford my mortgage.

I am struggling to determine the best course of action. I'm torn in many different directions. While I really like my boss and I've learned a lot in my current position, I have not been satisfied with my job for quite awhile now. The novelty wore off a couple years ago. I'm not really interested in my research anymore, which, combined with the depression, sometimes makes it difficult to motivate myself to go into work in the mornings. I don't like the feeling, since I really do enjoy research.

I think it boils down to three main options for me: find another job in the area and stay here, find another job somewhere else and move, or return to school to pursue a Ph.D., something I've considered for quite some time. No matter what I do I either need to come up with a way to pay my mortgage or sell my house. I've been preparing for the latter as I have time, although I'd prefer the former. I love being a homeowner, but I also have a restless streak that urges me to move. I've lived here longer than I've lived in any one place since I graduated from high school. To give you some perspective I attended four different universities in the three and a half years of my undergraduate career. All of the credits taken elsewhere were easily transfered to the one main college where I earned my B.S. degree (study abroad, summer classes in another state). It took me two years at yet another university to finish my M.S. degree. I'm a wanderer, always wanting to move on and explore new places. Living in one spot for so long has been driving my inner nomad crazy.

I've decided that the one plan I really like best would be to find a renter for my property. I would still be a landowner, something I truly appreciate and enjoy, but I wouldn't be tied down to one spot. I wouldn't mind finding somewhere to board my horses and then renting a small place myself to throw my stuff and keep the house pets. I really need to take some time off to travel, something I haven't done in ages. I wouldn't need as much of a salary if I did that, and I wouldn't have to worry about my horses if I went off for a week. It's much easier to find someone to watch over my dog and cats or to just take the puppy with me.

School appeals to me, although I would have to take a substantial cut in my income level. A Ph.D. would either open more doors for me, or, pardoxically, slam them shut if I become too specialized. My oldest sister graduated with a Ph.D. in plant breeding (flowers) three years ago and has yet to find a position in her field. She has had a handful of interviews but nothing has panned out. I remember how difficult it was to land the job I have now with just a Masters, and I'm underemployed. For this reason the idea of pursuing a doctorate degree is scary to me. I didn't have the kind of connections necessary to land a decent job quickly before, and now I have a lot more dependents relying on me to provide for them. I would also love to have children someday, but I can't do that until I have more stability. Again I look at my oldest sister who just turned 40 this fall. She wants children of her own but cannot provide for them, and her time is running out (reproductively speaking). The risks of birth defects and other birthing problems rise dramatically with age. I don't want to grow too old before I'm able to raise my own children. Meeting the right man is a whole 'nother topic, and not one I wish to delve into at this time.

These are just a few of the thoughts constantly worrying me. I'm once again employing myself in a full scale job search, but I'm also still deliberating about the university option. I hope I can resolve this situation before I pull out all my hair from stress! I don't think I'd look good bald.